there is something drastically wrong with me.

i went in to hysterics for about an hour today, crying, screaming, acting like a psycho on a bender.

why?

because i dont have cigarettes, beer, or internet.

ok, i am NOT an alcoholic.  i swear.  i just dont have any and cant GET any beer.  i dont even drink when the sun is out, but i realized this morning when i was driving around in this fucking hot sun, losing gas to distances i have to travel JUST SO I CAN HEAR THAT I HAVE TO APPLY ONLINE (when the only reason i drove to where the fuck ever is because they had a craigslist ad up that said “come in and fill out an ap!)”

i DONT HAVE ON LINE you assholes.  im obviousely looking for a job which means i cant afford to have the goddamned internet.

so im smokeless, thats great.  i give away so many cigarettes to people i feel NO shame in asking for a payback.  everyone obliges.  smokers at least have some kind of ethics.  i cant GET beer, which is activating some weird ass childish RAGE in me, and not having the internet is a self eating snake:  you cant get a job without it and you cant get it without a job.

companies are so STUPID.

and im not over it, im still jittery and mad and feel like everything is just fucking stupid.  i dont want to throw in the towel, i want to eat the towel and spit it in gods face.

and yet i know i sound like a frikin lunatic.

its just another stage i guess.  anxiety is horrible thing.

i want to be in a kitchen.

so bad.

there is a woman kneeling next to me at the moment.  i guess sitting in the chair would seem weird.  shes playing the piano parts to “black magic woman” on the starbux radio with her fingers on her knee, occasionally looking over at me like i am interrupting her.  if this is flirting, i guess i am bad at it.

ive redone my goals.  last week i didnt care if i died, to be blunt.  not sure if i have shaken that thought pattern really just yet, but i am at least focusing on getting out of az before i kick the bucket.

i dont want to be buried in a desert.

last night when i was feeling friendless and alone, i thought how fun it would be to move in with a sitcom type family.  myself, an aspiring chef, my friend nic who just graduated from itt, would be a hacker, and then some unknown guy would be a mechanic.  my character of course had a painful unrequited crush on the mystery guy, and all of our hijinks would come from nic, who is one of my best friends in the world, and who is a total time bomb.  i love the guy.  he is wild and crazy and gets in to way more trouble than he means to, and conversely, is one of the most loyal and dedicated and amazingly emotional people ive met.  we lived in a house that had frequent police visits, and did it all.  lived like slobs, went to amazing parties, had famous people all over us and….

i dont know how my brain works.

one of my only joys yesterday came from text messages to my friend adam who lives in so cal.  i made the obligatory inappropriate passes at him, he deflected with a skill unmatched by anyone ever, and then we talked about anime based romantic couplings.

its stupid of me to say i feel alone.  i have adams and nics and kathryns who always take time to talk to me and let me know i still exist outside my head.

my cat killed and ate the legs off of a cricket lastnight at some point before depositing the body in to her water bowl.  i stared at it for a good few minutes before the answer to what i was supposed to do with it came to mind.

i think my head is numb.  i feel like maybe once i was an acrobat in life, twisting and rolling through it all with such a sense of skill and glee, but that was years ago and i cant even touch my toes any more.

all i want to do is make breakfast for someone and have them wonder why they dont eat that every day for all of time.

when im not thinking about x-men, food, cigarettes, cowboys, dev patel, college wrestlers, bacon, soup, waffles, eggs, kittens, super powers, side burns, or cheese, my brain is polluted with the real world.  like this FUCKING SHIT THAT MAKES ME SO MAD:

http://tgvnews.com/2013/06/salvation-army-says-gays-need-to-be-put-to-death/

http://dangerousminds.net/comments/maybe_monsanto_isnt_the_worlds_most_evil_corporation_maybe_its_nestle